Am I in Limerence?

You can’t stop thinking about them.

Your mood rises and crashes based on how they respond to you.

You replay conversations. Analyze texts. Check your phone more than you want to admit.

You tell yourself it’s just love.

But a quiet voice inside asks:

“Why does this feel so intense… and so destabilizing?”

If you’re wondering whether you’re in limerence, this post is for you.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is an intense, obsessive emotional attachment to another person that is driven less by true intimacy and more by longing, fantasy, and uncertainty.

The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. She described limerence as a state of:

• Intrusive, persistent thoughts about the person

• Emotional dependency on their responses

• Idealization of who they are

• A powerful craving for reciprocation

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Limerence is not just a “crush. ”It’s not simply “falling hard.”

It’s a nervous system experience.

It often feels urgent, consuming, and addictive. Your body feels activated. Your mind feels preoccupied. Your self-worth feels tethered to their attention.

And often, it doesn’t feel peaceful.

Signs You May Be in Limerence

Here are some common indicators:

1. Intrusive Thoughts

You think about them constantly — even when you don’t want to.

You replay interactions. You imagine future scenarios. You fantasize about “what if.”

It’s not intentional. It feels compulsive.

2. Emotional Highs and Lows Based on Their Behavior

If they text you back quickly, you feel euphoric.

If they’re distant, you spiral.

Your emotional state becomes externally regulated by them.

3. Intense Fear of Rejection

You feel hyper-aware of any sign they might lose interest.

You analyze tone shifts, response time, facial expressions.

Small things feel catastrophic.

4. Idealization

You magnify their strengths and minimize their flaws.

You may feel like they are “the only one” or uniquely special.

Often, you’re more attached to the idea of them than the reality of who they are.

5. Fantasy Over Reality

Much of the attachment lives in imagination.

You may not actually have deep, consistent intimacy with this person — but internally, the bond feels massive.

6. It Feels Addictive

You try to detach, but you can’t.

You know it’s destabilizing, but you crave it anyway.

That push-pull dynamic is a hallmark of limerence.

How Is Limerence Different From Healthy Love?

Healthy love feels:

• Grounded

• Mutual

• Consistent

• Expansive

• Safe

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You can miss someone without losing yourself.

You can want them without obsessing.

You can care deeply without your self-worth hanging in the balance.

Healthy love grows in clarity.

Limerence grows in uncertainty.

Healthy love allows you to feel secure even when you’re apart.

Limerence thrives on ambiguity, unpredictability, and emotional inconsistency.

In healthy love, you feel more like yourself.

In limerence, you often feel more anxious, preoccupied, and dysregulated.

Why Does Limerence Happen?

Limerence often has roots in:

• Attachment wounds

• Inconsistent caregiving

• Emotional neglect

• Betrayal trauma

• Intermittent reinforcement in past relationships

• Self-worth tied to external validation

  
  

If love once felt unpredictable or conditional, your nervous system may mistake intensity for intimacy.

Especially in relationships where someone is emotionally unavailable, avoidant, or narcissistic — limerence can form quickly because uncertainty fuels obsession.

Your brain gets hooked on the dopamine cycle of hope and disappointment.

This is not a character flaw.

It’s often a trauma pattern.

What To Do If You Realize You're in Limerence

First — don’t shame yourself.

Limerence is not weakness. It’s an attachment strategy.

Then:

1. Increase Awareness

Notice when you are fantasizing vs. interacting with reality.

Ask: What do I actually know about this person from lived experience?

2. Track Nervous System Activation

Does thinking about them feel calm and grounded — or anxious and urgent?

Your body is wise.

3. Reduce Reinforcement

If possible, limit behaviors that fuel the cycle:

• Social media checking

• Text analysis

• Imaginary future planning

  
  

Interrupting the dopamine loop is uncomfortable, but necessary.

4. Reinvest in Self

Reconnect with friendships, hobbies, goals, therapy, body-based regulation.

Limerence narrows your world. Healing expands it.

5. Explore the Deeper Wound

Ask gently:

• What does this person represent?

• What do I believe I will finally feel if they choose me?

• Where have I felt this before?

  
  

Often, limerence isn’t about them.

It’s about an old unmet need.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be transformative in breaking limerence patterns because it addresses the root — not just the behavior.

In therapy, you can:

• Explore attachment wounds safely

• Process relational trauma

• Work with the parts of you that feel desperate, abandoned, or unchosen

• Build internal security rather than chasing external validation

• Learn nervous system regulation tools

• Strengthen your sense of identity outside of romantic pursuit

  
  

Modalities like EMDR, IFS (Internal Family Systems), and somatic therapies can help untangle the trauma imprints that make limerence feel so compelling.

When the underlying wound heals, the obsession often softens naturally.

Not because you forced it to —but because your system no longer needs it.

A Gentle Reminder

If you’re in limerence, you are not crazy.

You are not dramatic.

You are not “too much.”

You are likely longing to feel chosen, safe, and deeply seen.

The goal is not to shame the longing.

It’s to help you meet it in healthier ways.

Real love does not feel like chasing.

It does not feel like panic.

It does not require you to abandon yourself.

And healing is possible.

Looking For More Support?

Book a free consultation here: https://superbloomwellness.intakeq.com/booking (open to residents of SK, MB, and ON, Canada).

About the Author

Sophia is a trauma therapist and more importantly, a fellow human navigating the complexities of the human experience. She holds both a Bachelor of Science in Nutrition and a Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology. She is deeply passionate about walking alongside clients looking to heal from various forms of trauma, such as complex trauma (including C-PTSD), betrayal trauma, relationship trauma, childhood trauma, parental trauma, narcissistic abuse, and/or intergenerational trauma. She specializes in supporting clients through healing the impacts that trauma can have on their most important relationships: including their relationship with self, with others, and with their body. She draws from numerous trauma-focused modalities including Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic Therapy, Mindfulness-Based Approaches, Attachment Theory, Polyvagal Theory, EMDR, and Psychodynamic Therapy.