A Guide for Partners - Supporting Someone with Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma cuts deep, shaking the very foundation of trust, safety, and connection in a relationship. Whether the betrayal comes from infidelity, deception, financial dishonesty, or emotional betrayal, the impact can be overwhelming. If your partner is experiencing betrayal trauma, you may feel lost, unsure of what to do, or even defensive. Supporting them through this process requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to healing—both individually and as a couple.

Understanding Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma occurs when someone we deeply trust violates that trust in a way that causes emotional and psychological harm. Unlike other types of trauma, betrayal trauma is uniquely painful because the person who was supposed to provide safety and security is the source of the hurt. This can lead to intense feelings of fear, anxiety, grief, anger, and even symptoms of PTSD.

Common responses to betrayal trauma include:

• Emotional dysregulation (intense mood swings, overwhelming emotions)

• Hypervigilance (constantly scanning for signs of further betrayal)

• Difficulty trusting, even in safe situations

• Feelings of deep shame, inadequacy, or self-blame

• Disconnection from self and others

• Physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, or insomnia

  
  

If your partner is experiencing betrayal trauma, it’s essential to approach them with understanding rather than judgment.

How to Support a Partner with Betrayal Trauma

1. Acknowledge Their Pain Without Defensiveness

One of the hardest but most important things you can do is acknowledge their pain without trying to justify, minimize, or defend yourself (if you were involved in the betrayal). Phrases like the below can be helpful:

• "I see how much this has hurt you."

• "You have every right to feel this way."

• "I am here for you, and I want to support you however I can."

  
  

These statements validate their experience and help rebuild emotional safety.

2. Be Patient with Their Healing Process

Healing from betrayal trauma is not linear. There will be moments of progress and moments where it feels like everything is falling apart again. Avoid pushing them to "move on" or "just let it go." Instead, understand that healing takes time, and your consistency is key.

3. Create a Safe Space for Open Communication

Your partner needs a space where they can express their pain, fears, and emotions without fear of judgment or dismissal. Instead of trying to fix or rationalize their emotions, focus on listening. Some helpful ways to engage include:

• Asking, "What do you need from me right now?"

• Using active listening (repeating back what you hear to ensure understanding)

• Avoiding dismissive phrases like "That was in the past" or "You’re overreacting"

  
  

4. Take Responsibility (If You Were the Betrayer)

If you were the one who broke the trust, it’s crucial to take full accountability. This means:

• Offering genuine apologies without excuses

• Answering questions with honesty (while being mindful of what details may be retraumatizing)

• Committing to changed behavior and transparency

• Understanding that trust is rebuilt over time through actions, not just words

  
  

5. Encourage and Support Their Healing Journey

Healing may involve therapy, journaling, support groups, or trauma-informed practices like EMDR, Somatic Therapy, or Internal Family Systems (IFS). Encourage their healing process, even if it means giving them space to work through their emotions independently. You can also consider couples therapy to work through the betrayal together.

6. Manage Your Own Reactions and Defenses

If you weren’t the one who betrayed them but are in a relationship with someone dealing with past betrayal trauma, it’s important to avoid taking their triggers personally. Their pain is not a reflection of your actions but rather an indication of the deep wounds they are carrying. Instead of becoming defensive or frustrated, focus on offering reassurance and understanding.

7. Be Mindful of Triggers

Your partner may have triggers related to the betrayal—certain places, situations, words, or behaviors that bring up intense emotions. While they are responsible for their own healing, you can show care by being mindful of these triggers and working together on strategies to navigate them.

8. Prioritize Emotional and Physical Safety

If your partner is experiencing extreme distress, panic attacks, or self-destructive thoughts, encourage them to seek professional support. Rebuilding a sense of safety is critical, and sometimes professional guidance is necessary.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a partner through betrayal trauma is not easy, but it is possible with patience, empathy, and consistent effort. Whether you are working to repair trust after a betrayal or supporting a partner through past wounds, the key is to create a foundation of safety, open communication, and deep respect for their healing process.

If your partner is struggling, remind them that they are not alone—and neither are you. Healing is possible, and with time, trust can be rebuilt.

About the Author

Sophia is a trauma therapist, a dietitian, and most importantly, a fellow human navigating the complexities of the human experience. She holds both a Bachelor of Science in Nutrition and a Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology. She is deeply passionate about walking alongside clients looking to heal from various forms of trauma, such as complex trauma (including C-PTSD), betrayal trauma, relationship trauma, childhood trauma, parental trauma, narcissistic abuse, and/or intergenerational trauma. She specializes in supporting clients through healing the impacts that trauma can have on their most important relationships: including their relationship with self, with others, with their body, and with food. She draws from numerous trauma-focused modalities including EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic and Mindfulness-Based Approaches, Attachment Theory, Polyvagal Theory, and Psychodynamic Therapy.